Monday, June 2, 2014

I love you, and I always will

Staring outside my bedroom window, I was trying to believe what had happened but it hadn’t sunken in yet, well at least not completely. “Do you think he would want to see you waste your life like this?,” said Cheki, she could tell I was not listening to her so, she got up from the sofa she was sitting on, stood right in front of me, blocking the window and said “ Well do you? Huh?”. “Just leave her alone, Cheki” said kezang as she pulled Cheki away, “But Kezang she…”, “I know but not now, please Cheki”. Cheki muttered something and stormed out of the room.
Cheki was my friend and she was just trying to help and I wanted to thank her for what she was doing but I was not in the mood to talk with anyone. “She’ll be back”, I murmured to myself, but Thinley? He’s not coming back, he’s never coming back.
Tears filled my eyes again and rolled down my already damp cheeks. “Stop it! You have to move on. I know it’s hard but life goes on.” Kezang said, somewhat angrily. When I didn’t reply she came, put her arms around me which made things worse and I cried out loud, trying hard to let go of all the pain inside but I couldn’t.
“I’ll be fine. I just want to be alone for a while”. She just gave a nod and left the room, closing the door behind her. The cold December breeze swirled in the room; I got up, took out a hood from my cupboard, and hid myself underneath the covers of my bed. It still had his scent, Thinley’s cologne.
“Promise me you’ll never leave me Sonam,” Thinley had said when we were out celebrating the first anniversary of our relationship. “Never”, I said as I smiled.
(Photo Courtesy: Love quotes, Google)
I should have made him promise the same thing, maybe then he would be with me. Who knew that the person who made me promise to never leave him would be the one leaving in the end. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, hoping that it would help get rid of the pain, even if it was only for a while.
Thinley would always call me before I slept, and it had become such a habit that I couldn’t sleep without hearing his voice. Hugging the hood, I dialed his number; “Hi, I am currently busy so please leave a message. I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Bye.”
“I don’t care how busy you are but just come back, please. I promise I won’t nag you anymore and I’ll not make you wait for me when we’re on dates. So, please Thinley, I’m begging you, please come back.” I was hoping for the impossible but I still wanted to believe that he would call me back.
“I love you, and I always will.”
His words kept ringing in my head and I cried each time I remembered how he looked at me with his brown eyes, his crooked smile and then his cold face in the hospital ward.
Everyone I knew wanted me to not think of him but I was trying to remember everything because the memories were all that I had left of him. If it slipped away then I probably would too.
I leaned towards the drawer that was beside my bed and took out the scissors from the top drawer. “What is the use of me living if you are not by my side,” I was about to slit my wrist but right then someone knocked at the door, once, twice, ‘Come in, the doors unlocked.’ I shouted. The door just creaked open, and that was all. “Kezang? Is that you?” no answer, but just the rustling of the leaves outside.
I don’t know when but I fell asleep and the last thing I remember was hearing Thinleys voice saying, “I love you, and I always will.” When I got up in the morning, the room felt different, the windows were all open (which I was sure I closed) and Thinleys favorite book “Paradise lost” was on the table next to my bed which I’m sure Cheki threw in the dumpster.
I don’t know why but I wanted to believe that Thinley had come back to me.

Source: Kinley Zepa (3rd Year, Eng-EVS)

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